North Dakota has been an acquired taste for me.

And if I’m being honest, that’s an understatement.

Opportunity or disappointment?

Our decision to move here, made from a place of mild desperation, led only to disappointment, frustration, and even clinical depression. My husband and I were newlyweds, optimistic, yet unsure of ourselves and our future, looking for careers in ministry and counseling. Moving from the anonymity of the Twin Cities to a locale that brought familiarity and connection for my husband seemed like a wise decision. I was always up for a new adventure and it seemed like the door of opportunity was swinging wide open.

I watched it all play out in my idealistic imagination. First, the full-time jobs and a nice apartment (these things came true, by definition). After two years I would be licensed and we could make the move from the apartment to a lovely home and think about starting a family. Eventually, I’d quit my job to stay home with our babies. I even saw homeschooling in my future, something that surprised both of us!

Within weeks, my picture-perfect future hit the pause button as I realized I’d taken a job for which I was not designed and I resigned. There commenced the scrambling, looking for another opportunity to fit the requirements for my ideal life.

But that golden opportunity would not come.

Disappointment turned into depression

Instead, what began was an ever-deepening depression fueled by the sneaking suspicion that God had jumped ship and left us to fend for ourselves. This feeling of abandonment ran in close circles with the depression, and soon my faith, which was only a few years old at that point, began to waver and wobble. I believed lies about who I am and who God is: We must have made a mistake in moving here so we’re being left to figure this out by ourselves. We must be unworthy of His help. Faith is good for getting me to Heaven but it’s not much good here on eartH. And on, and on.

I felt like I’d been banished to a barren, desert wasteland of suffering. Fargo is flat, windy, and cold. It’s quite possible to get frostbite if your skin is exposed too long on those dreadful winter days when the actual temperature is -29 degrees Fahrenheit. It wasn’t too long before my heart began to feel frostbitten, too.

Amidst depression, anxiety, major job challenges, a bewildered husband who felt helpless to come alongside his bride in her pain, and several other major challenges I don’t have room to talk about this time, including infertility and ministry loss, what I couldn’t see or imagine was the truth that the very God I suspected of abandoning me was orchestrating the most important metamorphosis of my entire life.

A promise that was there all along

I took this picture in the fall of 2018, driving north on Interstate 29. It’s not one of my favorite stretches of road, but it takes me to the doorstep of one of my favorite people on the planet: my counselor, who not only counseled me but also mentored and discipled me, teaching me the realities of the human soul and helping me become the counselor I am now. Another tremendous act of God’s sweet grace in my life.

I was reminded that God always keeps His promises, and He promises He will finish the good work He began in us. And it rarely looks like we expect it to in our idealized imaginations.

What I didn’t know back in the days of depression and despair was that God brought me to this seemingly desolate wasteland to cultivate my soul. To grow me in love in ways I’d never known, experienced, or offered. To break down walls I’d built in my heart over many years.

If I had escaped what felt like my own personal prison back when I was depressed and just wanted to move back to the Twin Cities, I would have missed the most formative season of my life.

Perspective can make all the difference. I couldn’t see it then, but I can now. And the gratitude that flows from my heart is at times overwhelming. Never in my wildest dreams (nightmares?) did I imagine I’d be able to offer thanks for this journey. But I can, and do.

I can even say that He loves me enough to send me to North Dakota.

And for that, I’m forever grateful.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1: 2-4 NIV

Meet Heather Bjur, MA, LMFT

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Begin Within is a series to inspire a year-round lifestyle of gratitude that will impact not only your own life, but the lives of your neighbors as well. Gratitude is a theme we talk about often around here because it ties so closely into other missional living rhythms. Practicing gratitude reminds to keep our hearts soft and expectant and our eyes open. Therefore, the more we embrace gratitude, the easier it becomes to truly see our neighbors and where we can join what God is already doing in our neighborhoods.

If you would like to contribute to Begin Within, you can find the submission guidelines here.

Creating Ripples

If you would like to cultivate rhythms in addition to gratitude that will empower you live on mission in your neighborhood, check out Cultivating a Missional Life: A 30-Day Devotional to Gently Help You Open Your Heart, Home, and Life to Your Neighbors. This small book will help you make a big impact in your neighborhood as you learn to let missional living flow from the inside out. Get the 30-day missional living challenge free when you purchase the book.